am i a child, or an adult? frustration...

Hello. Apparently I am a child under a leash, tied by the collar and held by my parents, which when my immaturity occasionally comes into play, I'm pulled tight and hauled back by my parents into what they call 'discipline'. 


I am twenty years old, and biblically speaking, am actually an adult. (Leviticus 27:3, Numbers 1:3 because at the age of 20, they were of age to be counted to go to war.)


As CHILDREN (under 20 years), Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20 says CHILDREN obey your mother and father....


As children, under the age of 20, we MUST OBEY OUR PARENTS according to the will of God, however as soon as you hit your twenties, you are now an adult of age and need to continue to HONOUR and RESPECT them, but that doesn't necessarily mean to obey them.



In the ten commandments it says to 'HONOUR' your mother and father, not 'OBEY' them. 

In the bible it says 20 years old and above defines an adult age. God said this through His Word, and so we are to obey his command. Even if you are over 20, and your thoughts and actions may be immature and not-adult-like, you are not a child anymore. 


This is the problem that I am having with my parents. To them, I am still a child so they are constantly looking for ways to 'discipline' me and if I disobey them, even with the respect I give, I get labelled as a 'really naughty girl' by my parents. But on their perspective, I know I will ALWAYS, FOREVER act and think like a 'child' to them, factually because they are a few decades older and more mature than me with more experience, it is obvious they would always be wiser and more mature than me.


I just want to live like an adult in freedom, to be let loose to make all the wrong decisions and mistakes and learn from it and grow up the hard way..... I've been spoiled, spood fed and cared for WAY too much. I just wish my parents would understand me and love me less..... sort of but not really..



In my frustration of feeling leashed at the collar by my parent's and figuratively speaking, locked up like Rapunzel in her own little tower because in my parent's eyes I'm too precious to explore the world myself, I looked all over the internet for some biblical meat about an adult age which led me to this site.
http://www.bccmnm.org/webpages/When_Does_a_Person_Become_an_Adult.html

It is totally worth the read (its where I got the above biblical back up from), particularly the "Parents disciplining and Children obeying" and the "The legal system and adulthood". It has taught me a lot about how to parent and discipline my own kids when I get them in the future.

Jesus

Je suis means I am in French.


Je suis Christian = I am Christian.
If I am a Christian, I am following Jesus.


But Jesus = Je suis minus the 'I' in the centre and a closure of the gap between Je and suis.
When my life went through a shift in identity of knowing that 'I am' following Jesus, I gave up the right to live for 'I' and this 'gap' that once existed between Jesus and myself vanished and now this life and this relationship that I live became all about Jesus... there is no more 'I' in it anymore. Jesus consumed 'I'.

in love

hello humble readers.
just an update of my love life....
my love is exponentially increasing for a not-so-beautiful-at-first-glance creation, but the more i see them, the more i love them.




I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH.....




















BLUE ITALIAN GREYHOUNDS!


AHHHHHHHHHH 


i want one soooooo much! 


they are the most beautiful creatures i have EVER seen.....

*dies*

don't answer my prayers, cos i'm not listening...

i was talking with a friend and she asked me why God doesn't listen to her prayers sometimes....

i had no idea how to answer and the only answer i could give was something that i learnt from a sermon in the past: 'God sometimes answers yes, no or later' 

i was spending time with God this morning on the chapter we're teaching our kids at Sunday service today and i found the answer..!!

background info:

The Israelites were disobeying God cos they forgot the good things God had done, and started worshipping other gods.

They cried out to God and God being the gracious God he is, sent them judges who would save the Israelites from those that they were slaves to.

Judges 2:17 Yet they did not listen to their judges, for they whored after other gods and bowed down to them.

I felt like in the same way, sometimes we cry and scream out to God saying "why aren't you listening to me? why aren't you answering my prayers?" but the reason why we aren't hearing His answer is because we're following other gods, worshipping other idols. Whether this be money, gadgets, possessions, fashion, people, celebrities, facebook....

where you're spending the most time is where your heart is and is what you are truly worshipping.

I learnt today that the reason why we aren't getting an answer from God is because WE AREN'T LISTENING cos we're too busy worshipping other gods and idols.


and if we're listening to Him, we'd be praying prayers that are on HIS HEART. so then of course He will answer you.

if we aren't listening, we might be praying for the total opposite thing God has in plan for our lives.... and He won't answer our prayer... hence we think He didn't answer our prayer, but He's in fact probably telling us "No, for i have a better plan for you. My plan is blah blah..."

So if you're reading this, let me ask you a question. where are you spending your most time and energy? is it God? if not, don't complain that He's not listening to your prayers.. He's not a genie that simply answers your prayers. He's way more than that.

Instead, start worshipping Him first by spending the most time with Him and once you become intimate with Him, then LISTEN to what He says and just watch the things He gives and speaks to you... crazy crazy big guy we have upstairs ;)

i need You more... more than EVER before

'I need You more, more than yesterday
I need You more, more than words can say
I need You more, than ever before
I need You Lord...'


'More than the air I breathe,
more than the song that I sing,
more than the next heart beat,
more than anything.
Lord as time goes by, I'll be by your side
cos I never want to go back to my old life'








This song wrecked me yesterday as I began to truly understand what these lyrics truly meant.


'I need You more, than EVER before....'


what if life is going really well? and it seems like I don't really 'need' God? 
why do I sing that I need Him more than ever? more than yesterday? more than my next breath and next heartbeat?


THIS is why:
because when we're good, as humans we think it only natural to fall back down when we're on a high mountain top, because we've reached the top and there's not another mountain peak to climb up to and the only way is to go down so we stop trying.
But with God, He is eternal. it takes eternity to get to know Him which is why we have Heaven after death, so that we can spend our eternal life with Him in Heaven to get to know Him.
So that means though we FEEL like we're good with God and everything is going well and we're on a spiritual peak, we need Him MORE THAN EVER, MORE THAN YESTERDAY so that we won't fall down.


My past two years as a Christian after finding God has been a constant, tedious cycle. I was just so thick to realise that it was a cycle and do anything to change.
It went something like this: spiritual high and i'm good with God, then came my fall and I'd hit rock bottom and become desperate for Him and look for answers, then out of God's graciousness and His mercy, He wouldn't punish me, but instead bring me into His arms again, then another spiritual high, then another fall then..... a constant cycle.


I don't want to be on that constant cycle anymore. and with this song, I finally realised why I need Him more. We can NEVER have enough. If we think we've had enough and we're good with God, that's an indication that we're on a road going downhill away from Him, because we're starting to forget about His goodness and we really need him more. 


Psalm 106:19-23 says
19 They made a calf in Horeb and worshiped a metal image. 20 They exchanged the glory of God for the image of an ox that eats grass. 21 They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things in Egypt, 22 wondrous works in the land of Ham, and awesome deeds by the Red Sea. 
23Therefore he (God) said he would destroy them-- had not Moses, his chosen one, stood in the breach before him, to turn away his wrath from destroying them.


Lord, thank you for being so good to me. 
Lord help me to stop repeating this lifeless cycle in my spiritual walk with you. When I do start to get comfortable with you and think we're all good and I stop wanting more of you and stop seeking you, remind me of how good you have been to me. Help me to never forget your goodness so that I will never stop worshipping and return to my old life of living a life in this constant cycle. I want to break free from this. Lord help me. Create a greater zeal inside of me for more intimacy with you. 
Become more in my life and make me less, for I am merely dust. You are good. You are soooooo good. In JESUS' almighty name, Amen.

Cinderella - inspiration

flicking through some photos through the internet under 'newspaper corset' flickered some ideas for my next project at COFA.


'based on a fairytale, design and create a wearable costume for this character that reflects their personality, history and character. it must have a 1-10minute presentation to accompany it.'


I chose classic Cinderella. slightly too girly for my liking, but i think i can come up with something decent.
(just came to jot down some ideas in a place where i wont lose it haha)


***

my original idea: Cinderella to reflect inner beauty by the extravagance of the inner dress, with an outerwear made of teabags with kitchen tools attached (representing her chores) that tie her down as a slave to her sisters.

presentation: to burn the tea bag outerwear (from an experiment i did in science in high school. where the tea bag burns and turns into ashes and flies into thin air... not really. you get left with some ashes haha). as the teabags burn, the tools will come off with it, setting Cinderella free from her chores, and left with only her 'inner beauty dress'

I took a look at some inspirations today and did a few experiments with the teabag. not sure how i'm going to burn the whole garment so i might just attach it to her wrists or something so i don't cause a huge fire in the classroom.

I also read the full original version of Cinderella. (its rather long) and apparently it wasn't a glass shoe she left behind, but a silver corset. i might incorporate this into my work and draw a few sketches soon.

headpiece: princess crown, made of aluminium and all sorts of silver pieces with a veil made of teabags that is burnt off

 Love this corset, minus the visible back crevice in the middle haha. possible paper mache corset with corn starch as glue

crude picture i found when i searched 'corset'.... corset piercings? check this page out for whacked body modifications

 the 'silver corset'

Rather loving her hair here. 

entrapping her beauty of her face with her hair

LOVE THESE TWO. above and below newspaper skirt.

accentuates the S-line and i'm SO doing this! :D

might even dye our boring black and white newspapers with the leftover tea insides to create that ragged brown slave look.  

 aluminium foiled corset? with pink tissue paper instead of newspaper? hmmm...very Cinderella looking

aluminium foil weaved corset?

also someone with a flicker that made metal corsets. amazing!


new idea: accentuate the figure. definite S-line figure (like the original story) for the inner dress. make the inner dress of newspaper and the corset i'll spray with silver spray or something. not too sure yet and not sure how i'll stiffen the newspaper..
also thinking of incorporating the glass shoe. who's Cinderella without the well known glass shoe!
old flats, broken mirror pieces and a glue gun to put it altogether for the shoes.
-broken mirror pieces: reflect her past. this is her fragile self holding onto that one dream like memory, that reminds her that it was true. yet these are the very shoes that brings her to her prince, but it was her shattered history and hurts that brings her to her prince.


FINIS.

tor·ture: the act of obedience in love

wow.....

i just watched this clip about real life Christians being tortured in India which Jane showed me.....

prepare yourself before watching this..

watching it, i remembered this conversation i had with Daniel Pak in Cambodia at the White House (which is a cafe we frequently visited in our break times from teaching the Cambodian students) where he was explaining some of the tortures the Cambodians went through in the mass genocide... 

these are some of the things he told me:

- they'd whip people and hit them with wood and metal tools and do all sorts of other torture, and when the people being tortured looked like they were going to die, they'd call the doctors and nurses to come and treat them, so they wouldnt die... so that they could torture them again. and it'd be a cyclical process..

- in S-21, they tied the people up with the metal chains on those metal beds that we saw, and with those sharp axe things that you use to smack holes in the ground to plant the crops, they hit some people with that into their backs, and broke through their skin and ribs, and pulled the livers out of the body

with the liver pulling out thing, i thought that was intense but Dan said some of the tortures were even worse than that.... 

i can't even imagine...

its no wonder the Cambodians need real healing and love..

it just made me think..... 

if Jesus died on the cross, whipped to death, splinters slicing through his back arms and legs with every breath he took, with every movement he made with his neck, the crown of thorns digging into his head deeper and deeper...a continual 6 hours of torture til death...

isn't the torture that happened among some of the Cambodians more intense? it made me really think about Jesus' death...

was Jesus' death actually that bad? worse than the Cambodian's deaths?

it made me ask, 'if God knows everything, and our future, he would've known that the Cambodians and probably other people around the world would be tortured in such a gory, disturbing, painful way...but then why did he only require Jesus to suffer a bit of torture and crucifixion, something that others went through also, to save us...?' Jesus' death suddenly seemed so weak, plain and un-heroic....

But i thought again, and its hitting me as i write this.. 

it doesnt matter about whether the pain Jesus went through was more intense or less intense than some of the Cambodians torture. Their torture, though they didn't deserve it and is unexplainable why it had to happen, happened.

but the difference with the Cambodians' tortures and Jesus' tortures is that Jesus CHOSE to die for us, knowing he was going to be tortured to his death. He didn't want to, but he chose to obey God, because he loved us that much.

Mark 14:34-36 says

³⁴ “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” ³⁵ Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. ³⁶ “Abba,^[f] Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

From Pastor Lee's sermon during dawn service today, (it was a sermon about obedience. to obey God is to love God. love is nothing without obedience) we see the act of complete utter obedience in Jesus' actions.

Jesus was the prime example of obedience because of His love for us.

wow. i'm starting to learn more and more of what Jesus' standards are, and start to understand his crucifixion just a little bit more.

I don't think I'll ever understand it completely...

all I know is that He loves us so much.

my passion. my self-absorbed realisation..

My whole life i have been trying to find where my passion lies...
Over the past two weeks, i think i've found it.


Music, drawing, textiles/fashion. 


in the order of most to least.
its funny because i knew i could do something in each of these areas but never saturated myself into these, but in the past two weeks i have and have been really enjoying it!


a few things i realised.......


i talk too much. i have a squeaky voice -0-. i want to become a listener and use the word 'i' less in a self-absorbed manner. self-motivation is extremely difficult. perseverance is even harder. 


a little post-it i found on my desk.

Younmee always leaves me secret encouraging post-its in my room. But this one tops it all.


i love Younmee <3


Perseverance leads to Victory. 

Summer Update

Over the past month, there hasn't been much that has happened.

My main weeks consist of going to the beach, going to church, getting tutored physics by Ho and relaxing at home.

I've been learning physics because I need to know HSC physics for the GAMSAT which i'll be sitting next month. 

I actually don't really know if I want to be studying med in the future, but I'm just sitting it to keep my options open.

Ever since returning from Cambodia, I've stopped journalling so it's hard to keep track of the cool things that I come across during the day, or even a crazy revelation I get whilst reading the Word. 

* * * *

About two weeks ago, Janice gave me (and the other girls in my Cambo team) this amazing daily devotional. 

This is one quote by Beth Moore that smacked me in the face.

"Sometimes God may prioritize performing a miracle on our hearts and minds over a miracle concerning our circumstance."

Character buildling. Whether your situation works out or not, it's exactly what difficult situations do to you. Build up character.

* * * *

I'm also going to be shaving my head for the Leukaemia Foundation - The World's Greatest Shave.
With about a month left to go, I'm getting more and more attached to my hair... the past 6-7 years that it probably took to grow to its current length... I think I might actually build up a tear when my hair goes D:
But I felt God telling me "Hey, I created you and blessed you with hair. There are people in the world who have no choice but to lose their hair because of cancer... or because they have hair loss. You were born with no hair in the first place and it'll grow back anyway. Stop idolising your hair and your image over me. "


so yeah. BAM! seeya hair!

* * * *

I'm getting a double bed soon. My rents finally decided my bed needs a change and I'm getting too big for it....again...

I'm also loving these summer nights with the warm breeze against my face, even at a late time like 11pm... please bring back these warm summer nights! I don't like the rain.

PMS

Since coming back from Cambodia, I can't help but feel like a tourist in Sydney! 
So many things remind me of Cambodia and I think I'm definitely feeling PMS (Post Missions Syndrome).


Starting summer school at uni 2 days after arriving at home is definitely a no go. Processing everything that happened in Cambodia, still jet lagging, lacking sleep, and starting a Daniel fast (where you only eat veggies and fruit) has been really tough.


My day started off like this: woke up and had a cold shower at 7am because our hot water system broke down (some days I had cold showers in Cambodia, but having one in Sydney froze my brains off!)
Walked to uni for the first time which took me a good 40min cos I took the long way. Really thinking of getting a bicycle or skateboard now...


Cherishing my walk home instead of driving by quickly as I normally do, I noticed a lot of nice places to check out between uni and home.


Heres the list I made, respectively from my house to uni:
- printing service
- IGA
- Papa Joe's cafe
- BBQ chicken!! (saw this in Cambodia but didn't know Sydney had it too!)
- GJ's
- Mochi Dessert Cafe
- GPK - Gourmet Pizza Kitchen (this place is amazing)
- In Chan Thai
- Easyway
- Pappa roti (with 100% organic coffee)
- Free pool and jukebox at the pub all day
- Italian restaurant
- Dance Studio
- 85 degree cake patisserie


To finish, here are a few photos from Cambodia :)

little boys making wristbands to sell

 the girls, just before we left

 Cambodian kids playing with pebbles

 some Cambodian village kids. this girl i fell in love with

all of these green balls in each stall are watermelons! 

some were as tiny as a softball!

clouds and sun that i took from the bus

Many more to come....on facebook :D

One thing that hasn't changed yet since 2010..... is procrastination! 

Hitting up on my notes and a lot of readings for my two exams tomorrow now. let the cramming begin!

Location: Singapore Airport

So I'm currently at Singapore International Airport, on a 10 hour stop over for my flight back hom to Sydney from Cambodia.

Firstly, Happy New Year!
New Year, New Perspectives, New Life, New Visions, New Friends!
Three weeks ago, I left to Cambodia with a team of 19 other people from my church, which was again split into a team of 10 including myself.
We met some amazing people, including our Cambodian host named Vansy, and a Korean-American guy from Colorado named Daniel.
Daniel set us up with an organisation called "Grace Christian Centre" - GCC, which involves teaching high school and university kids english, korean, guitar, piano and about Jesus. The head organisers of GCC were amazing people, Lalit and David.
Its amazing how they set this up from scratch. Lalit is a Cambodian woman who is 65 years of age, and David, probably a little older, but is a white man.
They're from Australia and so it was really comforting being able to work with these people.

At GCC over lunch, Lalit and David gave us all sorts of foods including frogs, crickets, black beetles that look like cockroaches, snake and duck fetus.
wow oh wow. what an experience.
I would put up a few pictures but I'm blogging on a free internet stand at the airport so maybe I'll post it up next time.

Cambodia is amazing. The country is amazing. The people are amazing.The people that we met are amazing and so wise. We were blessed with amazing food. We saw miraculous instant healings happen before our eyes, done by God. Wow.

Dan also took us to a North-Korean restaurant in Cambodia. What an experience. I am proud to say, that I am now an official 'Korean' as i tried our delicacy - dog.
It was delish, but so hard to eat because of the culture shock in seeing these North-Koreans serve us. The vibe was just....weird. My heart broke for these waitresses, who were trapped in this small area, not knowing the rest of the world. Watching them, they reminded me of "Brave New World".
They had no emotions, they were curious about how we lived our lives, they were curious about what we did in our lives. They were almost like robots.

Wow, i could write so much more about Cambodia, but this is just a quick update about everything going on right now.

We also went to the beach in a place called Sihanoukville. Wow it was amazing and absolutely beautiful. Kind of like a lesser developed version of New Caledonia? It was amazing! We went on a cruise and went snorkeling in the middle of the ocean.

I'll update with pictures soon!
4 minutes remaining of this free internet thing.
Peace out
God is good, all the time!
x