'times of personal, emotional difficulty enter your life because there is a sin God wants to reveal and root out'

Not true in every case, but in a lot of cases, true. 

A lot of the struggles and difficult times that I have come out from have resulted in learning of how many idols I had before God, learning of the pride I had, learning of how much judgement I had.....

One common thing would be this: that I just didn't know I was dwelling in any of these sins until this season of struggle I had to come out of. 

Aching, learning, repenting, overcoming. repeat.

2012 . Revelations . Year of identity . Twenty-one .

5am procrastination -- a zit popping rev 

Have you ever tried to pop a zit that wasn't quite ready to pop yet? Seeing a small tiny yellow tip that causes you to think, 'hey I can squeeze that bad guy out'. Squeezing with all your might, only to realize the only thing achieved was a red inflamed area surrounding the zit, with no satisfactory 'pop'. And the harder you try, the more inflamed it gets, maybe a little squiggle of juicy white gunk that releases, but not the golden nugget you're trying to get out... 


I realized this is what I did. 


When I saw potential in a friend, especially the ones close to me, (the yellow peeping tip), I'd excitedly encourage them, challenge them and subtly push them to help them 'pop' out this nugget without even thinking. And the harder I seemed to try, the more inflamed our friendship would get..... They start to feel pressured, controlled to meet an expectation, and maybe some of their 'squiggly white goodness' may release, but their golden nugget won't. The only thing I can really do to help them release that golden nugget is to pray for it (cos I can see it) and wait over time and simply love them and wait til they're ready to release it themselves by God perfect timing. Otherwise you may end up with an awkward, broken friendship.....with no nuggets released, ruining a potentially amazing friendship where you could have been a witness to the golden nugget being released. Let God be God. He is in control, not me. 


 Written end time 4/5/2012 5:45am 


 ****

 21st Birthday. 

Grateful for friends, community and family. 
In having a desire to seek my identity this year... 


Every year on my birthday, I would subconsciously expect, or more so want, to have everyone remember my birthday and love me. But in having a desire to seek my identity this year with my focus being on genuinity, I didn't want any insincere, half-hearted birthday wishes from random "fb friends" who didn't really care. Especially because after this break up it left me in a place where I questioned a lot of things. I didnt know who my real friends were anymore, I didn't even know if they knew me, I lost most my sense of trust even in some of my closest friends who I've known forever. So I craved pure genuinity, with this new chapter of my life. 


[random side note: a quote which has become my favourite over the past few weeks...]


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss


So I removed my birthday from my Facebook profile about a week before for this reason and also to reduce unnecessary birthday spammage too. (yes, a bit harsh the way I'm putting but its how I felt) 


So with my lifegroup, I thought they would just never have known my birthday and not celebrate it (cos I'm usually the one to plan the birthday surprises)..... And I guess I sort of just wanted them to let my birthday pass by without making a big deal about it.. Partly cos I wasn't sure if they even loved/cared about me (kind of like how a mother feels about their child I think... not that I'd know yet...), and if they didn't I would have rather not received anything from them... 


I didnt receive a single text from any of my members as well for the whole day so I guess it confirmed what I originally thought...but little did I know how wrong I was. 


So not expecting anything, not even from my closest friends bcos of this shattered place I was in mentally and emotionally, I found myself being blessed the crap out of, resulting in the best birthday ever, surrounded by only those that knew me and loved me. Drenched with thoughtful gifts.....thoughtful because they loved me and knew me, and knew what I liked and expressed it into an action... Namely photographs, letters, spending quality time and thought into meeting me and loving me. 


I'm just going to list it out: 


- surprise romantic, cheeky, lame-kind-of-funny birthday drop over at midnight by Younmee and Sarah with a cake and massive photo collage of memories with a letter, cos they knew I liked all of the above. (they called me out onto my balcony and they had a cake lit up outside my front gate. Romantics! 


- another surprise cake, massive photo card, iPad (!!!!!) from my very own LIFEGROUP. Not even my closest of close friends, but my lifegroup. Far outtt.... The fact that they were willing to spend this much money on me and they even knew my birthday and remembered it and planned all of this ahead just blew me away.... I think the best, cutest part was the lame notepad with an eye drawn on it which really found a special place in my heart hahahahaha, (cos they knew I loved lame haha), and also the time each of them spent on drawing their individual letter, and taking a photo of it to print it onto a card for me... Bahhhhhh. 


- David Jeoung...... Bought me a Hershel's bag, with a green swatch, and a letter(!). All absolutely seriously thoughtful gifts, but the letter was my FAVOURITE out of this whole thing too with so much honesty and thought and genuinity. It messed me... 


- my Marc Jacobs wallet from my loving friends!!! I never told anyone but I really was wanting/needing a wallet ahhhh!!!! how they knew, i dont know...


I realized after this birthday, two sermons really struck my heart. 'preparation is worship' by P Bryan Kim and 'love is thoughtful' by P James Kim. 


These two things meshed together result in the best and most effective way to love God's people, which touch them emotionally, which can bring healing and joy. It's when Christians love out of obligation without much thought and preparation into it, which ends up being meaningless and doesn't result in any changes in a person. 


The saying 'it's the thought that counts' truly is what I'm noticing and really finding the meaning of this...


Thank you to my friends, thank you God for these friends and for helping me to realize the importance of them and for revealing how to love Your people better as well through me receiving first. Thank you for the best 21st birthday ever. 


Written 04.05.2012 [5:45am] 
Edited 28.05.2012 [11:07pm]

a bundle of love i was blessed with this birthday, minus the heart photo collage and my massive jose tequila (which used to be one of my favourites back in the day haha) <3 <3

am i a child, or an adult? frustration...

Hello. Apparently I am a child under a leash, tied by the collar and held by my parents, which when my immaturity occasionally comes into play, I'm pulled tight and hauled back by my parents into what they call 'discipline'. 


I am twenty years old, and biblically speaking, am actually an adult. (Leviticus 27:3, Numbers 1:3 because at the age of 20, they were of age to be counted to go to war.)


As CHILDREN (under 20 years), Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20 says CHILDREN obey your mother and father....


As children, under the age of 20, we MUST OBEY OUR PARENTS according to the will of God, however as soon as you hit your twenties, you are now an adult of age and need to continue to HONOUR and RESPECT them, but that doesn't necessarily mean to obey them.



In the ten commandments it says to 'HONOUR' your mother and father, not 'OBEY' them. 

In the bible it says 20 years old and above defines an adult age. God said this through His Word, and so we are to obey his command. Even if you are over 20, and your thoughts and actions may be immature and not-adult-like, you are not a child anymore. 


This is the problem that I am having with my parents. To them, I am still a child so they are constantly looking for ways to 'discipline' me and if I disobey them, even with the respect I give, I get labelled as a 'really naughty girl' by my parents. But on their perspective, I know I will ALWAYS, FOREVER act and think like a 'child' to them, factually because they are a few decades older and more mature than me with more experience, it is obvious they would always be wiser and more mature than me.


I just want to live like an adult in freedom, to be let loose to make all the wrong decisions and mistakes and learn from it and grow up the hard way..... I've been spoiled, spood fed and cared for WAY too much. I just wish my parents would understand me and love me less..... sort of but not really..



In my frustration of feeling leashed at the collar by my parent's and figuratively speaking, locked up like Rapunzel in her own little tower because in my parent's eyes I'm too precious to explore the world myself, I looked all over the internet for some biblical meat about an adult age which led me to this site.
http://www.bccmnm.org/webpages/When_Does_a_Person_Become_an_Adult.html

It is totally worth the read (its where I got the above biblical back up from), particularly the "Parents disciplining and Children obeying" and the "The legal system and adulthood". It has taught me a lot about how to parent and discipline my own kids when I get them in the future.

Jesus

Je suis means I am in French.


Je suis Christian = I am Christian.
If I am a Christian, I am following Jesus.


But Jesus = Je suis minus the 'I' in the centre and a closure of the gap between Je and suis.
When my life went through a shift in identity of knowing that 'I am' following Jesus, I gave up the right to live for 'I' and this 'gap' that once existed between Jesus and myself vanished and now this life and this relationship that I live became all about Jesus... there is no more 'I' in it anymore. Jesus consumed 'I'.

in love

hello humble readers.
just an update of my love life....
my love is exponentially increasing for a not-so-beautiful-at-first-glance creation, but the more i see them, the more i love them.




I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH.....




















BLUE ITALIAN GREYHOUNDS!


AHHHHHHHHHH 


i want one soooooo much! 


they are the most beautiful creatures i have EVER seen.....

*dies*

don't answer my prayers, cos i'm not listening...

i was talking with a friend and she asked me why God doesn't listen to her prayers sometimes....

i had no idea how to answer and the only answer i could give was something that i learnt from a sermon in the past: 'God sometimes answers yes, no or later' 

i was spending time with God this morning on the chapter we're teaching our kids at Sunday service today and i found the answer..!!

background info:

The Israelites were disobeying God cos they forgot the good things God had done, and started worshipping other gods.

They cried out to God and God being the gracious God he is, sent them judges who would save the Israelites from those that they were slaves to.

Judges 2:17 Yet they did not listen to their judges, for they whored after other gods and bowed down to them.

I felt like in the same way, sometimes we cry and scream out to God saying "why aren't you listening to me? why aren't you answering my prayers?" but the reason why we aren't hearing His answer is because we're following other gods, worshipping other idols. Whether this be money, gadgets, possessions, fashion, people, celebrities, facebook....

where you're spending the most time is where your heart is and is what you are truly worshipping.

I learnt today that the reason why we aren't getting an answer from God is because WE AREN'T LISTENING cos we're too busy worshipping other gods and idols.


and if we're listening to Him, we'd be praying prayers that are on HIS HEART. so then of course He will answer you.

if we aren't listening, we might be praying for the total opposite thing God has in plan for our lives.... and He won't answer our prayer... hence we think He didn't answer our prayer, but He's in fact probably telling us "No, for i have a better plan for you. My plan is blah blah..."

So if you're reading this, let me ask you a question. where are you spending your most time and energy? is it God? if not, don't complain that He's not listening to your prayers.. He's not a genie that simply answers your prayers. He's way more than that.

Instead, start worshipping Him first by spending the most time with Him and once you become intimate with Him, then LISTEN to what He says and just watch the things He gives and speaks to you... crazy crazy big guy we have upstairs ;)

i need You more... more than EVER before

'I need You more, more than yesterday
I need You more, more than words can say
I need You more, than ever before
I need You Lord...'


'More than the air I breathe,
more than the song that I sing,
more than the next heart beat,
more than anything.
Lord as time goes by, I'll be by your side
cos I never want to go back to my old life'








This song wrecked me yesterday as I began to truly understand what these lyrics truly meant.


'I need You more, than EVER before....'


what if life is going really well? and it seems like I don't really 'need' God? 
why do I sing that I need Him more than ever? more than yesterday? more than my next breath and next heartbeat?


THIS is why:
because when we're good, as humans we think it only natural to fall back down when we're on a high mountain top, because we've reached the top and there's not another mountain peak to climb up to and the only way is to go down so we stop trying.
But with God, He is eternal. it takes eternity to get to know Him which is why we have Heaven after death, so that we can spend our eternal life with Him in Heaven to get to know Him.
So that means though we FEEL like we're good with God and everything is going well and we're on a spiritual peak, we need Him MORE THAN EVER, MORE THAN YESTERDAY so that we won't fall down.


My past two years as a Christian after finding God has been a constant, tedious cycle. I was just so thick to realise that it was a cycle and do anything to change.
It went something like this: spiritual high and i'm good with God, then came my fall and I'd hit rock bottom and become desperate for Him and look for answers, then out of God's graciousness and His mercy, He wouldn't punish me, but instead bring me into His arms again, then another spiritual high, then another fall then..... a constant cycle.


I don't want to be on that constant cycle anymore. and with this song, I finally realised why I need Him more. We can NEVER have enough. If we think we've had enough and we're good with God, that's an indication that we're on a road going downhill away from Him, because we're starting to forget about His goodness and we really need him more. 


Psalm 106:19-23 says
19 They made a calf in Horeb and worshiped a metal image. 20 They exchanged the glory of God for the image of an ox that eats grass. 21 They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things in Egypt, 22 wondrous works in the land of Ham, and awesome deeds by the Red Sea. 
23Therefore he (God) said he would destroy them-- had not Moses, his chosen one, stood in the breach before him, to turn away his wrath from destroying them.


Lord, thank you for being so good to me. 
Lord help me to stop repeating this lifeless cycle in my spiritual walk with you. When I do start to get comfortable with you and think we're all good and I stop wanting more of you and stop seeking you, remind me of how good you have been to me. Help me to never forget your goodness so that I will never stop worshipping and return to my old life of living a life in this constant cycle. I want to break free from this. Lord help me. Create a greater zeal inside of me for more intimacy with you. 
Become more in my life and make me less, for I am merely dust. You are good. You are soooooo good. In JESUS' almighty name, Amen.