2012 . Revelations . Year of identity . Twenty-one .

5am procrastination -- a zit popping rev 

Have you ever tried to pop a zit that wasn't quite ready to pop yet? Seeing a small tiny yellow tip that causes you to think, 'hey I can squeeze that bad guy out'. Squeezing with all your might, only to realize the only thing achieved was a red inflamed area surrounding the zit, with no satisfactory 'pop'. And the harder you try, the more inflamed it gets, maybe a little squiggle of juicy white gunk that releases, but not the golden nugget you're trying to get out... 


I realized this is what I did. 


When I saw potential in a friend, especially the ones close to me, (the yellow peeping tip), I'd excitedly encourage them, challenge them and subtly push them to help them 'pop' out this nugget without even thinking. And the harder I seemed to try, the more inflamed our friendship would get..... They start to feel pressured, controlled to meet an expectation, and maybe some of their 'squiggly white goodness' may release, but their golden nugget won't. The only thing I can really do to help them release that golden nugget is to pray for it (cos I can see it) and wait over time and simply love them and wait til they're ready to release it themselves by God perfect timing. Otherwise you may end up with an awkward, broken friendship.....with no nuggets released, ruining a potentially amazing friendship where you could have been a witness to the golden nugget being released. Let God be God. He is in control, not me. 


 Written end time 4/5/2012 5:45am 


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 21st Birthday. 

Grateful for friends, community and family. 
In having a desire to seek my identity this year... 


Every year on my birthday, I would subconsciously expect, or more so want, to have everyone remember my birthday and love me. But in having a desire to seek my identity this year with my focus being on genuinity, I didn't want any insincere, half-hearted birthday wishes from random "fb friends" who didn't really care. Especially because after this break up it left me in a place where I questioned a lot of things. I didnt know who my real friends were anymore, I didn't even know if they knew me, I lost most my sense of trust even in some of my closest friends who I've known forever. So I craved pure genuinity, with this new chapter of my life. 


[random side note: a quote which has become my favourite over the past few weeks...]


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss


So I removed my birthday from my Facebook profile about a week before for this reason and also to reduce unnecessary birthday spammage too. (yes, a bit harsh the way I'm putting but its how I felt) 


So with my lifegroup, I thought they would just never have known my birthday and not celebrate it (cos I'm usually the one to plan the birthday surprises)..... And I guess I sort of just wanted them to let my birthday pass by without making a big deal about it.. Partly cos I wasn't sure if they even loved/cared about me (kind of like how a mother feels about their child I think... not that I'd know yet...), and if they didn't I would have rather not received anything from them... 


I didnt receive a single text from any of my members as well for the whole day so I guess it confirmed what I originally thought...but little did I know how wrong I was. 


So not expecting anything, not even from my closest friends bcos of this shattered place I was in mentally and emotionally, I found myself being blessed the crap out of, resulting in the best birthday ever, surrounded by only those that knew me and loved me. Drenched with thoughtful gifts.....thoughtful because they loved me and knew me, and knew what I liked and expressed it into an action... Namely photographs, letters, spending quality time and thought into meeting me and loving me. 


I'm just going to list it out: 


- surprise romantic, cheeky, lame-kind-of-funny birthday drop over at midnight by Younmee and Sarah with a cake and massive photo collage of memories with a letter, cos they knew I liked all of the above. (they called me out onto my balcony and they had a cake lit up outside my front gate. Romantics! 


- another surprise cake, massive photo card, iPad (!!!!!) from my very own LIFEGROUP. Not even my closest of close friends, but my lifegroup. Far outtt.... The fact that they were willing to spend this much money on me and they even knew my birthday and remembered it and planned all of this ahead just blew me away.... I think the best, cutest part was the lame notepad with an eye drawn on it which really found a special place in my heart hahahahaha, (cos they knew I loved lame haha), and also the time each of them spent on drawing their individual letter, and taking a photo of it to print it onto a card for me... Bahhhhhh. 


- David Jeoung...... Bought me a Hershel's bag, with a green swatch, and a letter(!). All absolutely seriously thoughtful gifts, but the letter was my FAVOURITE out of this whole thing too with so much honesty and thought and genuinity. It messed me... 


- my Marc Jacobs wallet from my loving friends!!! I never told anyone but I really was wanting/needing a wallet ahhhh!!!! how they knew, i dont know...


I realized after this birthday, two sermons really struck my heart. 'preparation is worship' by P Bryan Kim and 'love is thoughtful' by P James Kim. 


These two things meshed together result in the best and most effective way to love God's people, which touch them emotionally, which can bring healing and joy. It's when Christians love out of obligation without much thought and preparation into it, which ends up being meaningless and doesn't result in any changes in a person. 


The saying 'it's the thought that counts' truly is what I'm noticing and really finding the meaning of this...


Thank you to my friends, thank you God for these friends and for helping me to realize the importance of them and for revealing how to love Your people better as well through me receiving first. Thank you for the best 21st birthday ever. 


Written 04.05.2012 [5:45am] 
Edited 28.05.2012 [11:07pm]

a bundle of love i was blessed with this birthday, minus the heart photo collage and my massive jose tequila (which used to be one of my favourites back in the day haha) <3 <3